Day 149 of Confinement, Week 22
Once again, WordPress is in an ornery mood and will not post my photos.
Forgiveness. To be healthy, it is important to let go of things. It is important to forgive because what other people do are things that we cannot control, something we seem to encounter on a daily basis. Things happen. Surprising things come clearly out of the blue to attack the calm of our lives. Some of them are anticipated, but there are other situations that broadside us completely. Rational people become irrational and terrible things ensue. People like me are public and also private and there are things that happen that I just don’t even talk about.
I find it very hard to forgive. I am guessing that most of us find ourselves in a similar situation; I am not sure, however, how many of us admit this. I just happen to need to sometimes vent when I find myself wronged by another or a situation.
I know that I need to let go, yet it is hard. It is especially difficult when you spend a lifetime trying to build something and a situation occurs and the participants react in uncharacteristic ways. We are wounded.
Life can provide us with sadness when we lose loved ones and we have to learn to live without them, but to keep them close in our hearts. I think of my father that I barely knew and yet I think of him all the time. I relish hearing the stories (although I don’t any longer unless I am telling them) of the kind, generous man, cruelly treated by fate to have to pass up a four year scholarship to a well known college and to continually suffer from diseases (tuberculosis, hepatitis, cancer) and to be cut down at the age of forty. He was a god, he was also human. My mother told me that he would often say, « If there is shit on the sidewalk, I am going to step into it. » I have negativity in my DNA and yet I have fought it tooth and nail. He was generous to a fault, would do everything for everyone, literally give away the shirt off his back. He was a mean drunk, something I don’t remember; I don’t think he drank very often, he couldn’t afford it. He was human.
I try to forgive. Right now, I am having a hard time of that. We go through phases where this happens.
I know I should meditate more, but I have been meditating less, walking more, listening more to music, studying a new language, and doing paint by number. I am a bit disappointed with the paint by number. I received a rolled up canvas, the paints are less than great, sometimes too thick, the brushes are not meeting my needs, the canvas left me with unprinted spots that necessitated my guessing, and yet the final outcome is turning out surprisingly well. It is kind of like life. At least the kind of life I intend to work on.
Despite my rant, I guess I forgive.